Often on Sunday afternoons, I will turn on a car race or golf or some other sport that will allow me to fall asleep, miss most of it, and still not have really missed anything for the end. And then I fall asleep. This was the case last Sunday. Peacefully, I had dozed off, while some monotonous sport that I enjoy played dimly in the background.

Recently, Burger King launched a commercial whereby “The King” (not to be confused with Elvis or Richard Petty or any mattress salesman anywhere) sneaks into the room of a sleeping person and blasts an air horn at said sleeping person who promptly jumps up with a confused facial expression. This is met with laughter from several people in the room whom apparently hang out with “The King” on a regular basis.

Now, the air horn is rather loud…at least, significantly louder than the rest of the projected TV volume. And in Dolby 5.1 digital surround, it was enough to wake me from my slumber that fine afternoon. And thus my disdain for “The King” has reached new heights.

“The King” breaks through all previously established levels of fast food character creepiness, which is not an easy task. Ronald McDonald is fright night in stockings. Yet, “The King” with his gargantuan plastic head and ridiculous perma-smile is now, indeed, the king…the king of creepy.

First, you should never trust anyone with a head that forms a perfect shape. See figure 1.1:

Second, what is with the hair? And the beard? I realize your head is plastic, Mr. King, but you have to let the Bee Gees go. And those little curls that go upward toward the crown? It looks you’ve got a like a couple of breakfast croissants stored up there. And the bling…a big gold chain with a giant BK emblem? Nice.

That perpetual glare is enough to unnerve anyone. His features resemble the stereotypical portrayal of Satan. There is no doubt he is a sociopath. He never says anything. And that’s what they always say about sociopaths. Right after they hacked up about a billion people, the neighbors always say “He was a quiet man”.

I have never been one to be afraid of clowns, but I can understand why those who are find them frightening. Now, we’re going to have a whole new generation of phobics. Please, Burger King, do away with your insane looking mascot. It is a matter of corporate responsibility. Do mankind a favor, wipe that grin off his face, and give the king a normal sized head.